hand and hand, we walk down 14th street
and I look at you and wonder why are you so
badly withdrawn. look at you here --
no emotion to anything, not even the
softest touch of the summer breeze
or seeing a bum old bird lady cry
could make you feel any sympathy -
there you go, manufacturing those
dark iron walls that protect you from
sorrow. but what you will find is that to
not feel is sorrow as well, for you dwell
in the same dark cave most of the time
nothing to search for, nothing you will find --
you wish you had some type of praise to give
or that there really was some higher power
who controls all of us, who makes sure we all
go to heaven. but you know you don't.
damaged - because you chose too soon
and blinded by what the human experience
is supposed to be. trees behind you, blow
wind into your ears, and sometimes i can see
that your brain feels connected to mother
nature but never other humans.
you tried once or twice, but it all crashed
and you expect everyone to be normal
but in realty the concept can't exist
because everyone isn't normal so
to not be normal is normal and
everybody is.
aimlessly you walk, and wonder if
everyone is just hiding behind their
skin. you stop to look into their eyes
but the depth is thin, you can't tell --
you don't have the sixth sense
to read minds or understand
the meaning of life through
someone else's perspective.
you get shy when they look back…
at times you feel you'r stuck in a whirlwind
of what everyone who allegedly cares
for you wants you to become…
and at this point you'd rather be a bum
because the anxiety you get from
feeling a need to impress them
makes you feel even more empty
and more lost with who you are.
you can't even tell yourself what you want
because the answer would simply be
nothing, or something materialistic
that would band aid your sadness for a day
and in a lot of ways a quick fix used to be
all you needed --
not anymore, woe is you
for you want insight and love and peace
and all those other nearly unattainable
things that only the people in the movies or
the buddhas and shamans find. you're surrounded
by a shallow ocean that drains your
creativity and your very own peace of mind.
hopeless, but pretty, so you'll dream
just one more time and if it doesn't
work you'll pray to a different god and
hope for better results. … ..
maybe aphrodite could return your heart
and perhaps satan could
sell you back your soul --
maybe this coldness
will slowly melt into what would
become something warm again--
and a lover or friend will
come back and you can live in
a place where turquoise petals
fall from trees which you could catch and use
to wipe away your clear tears.
perhaps there's a
letter you could send, or a bargain
you can make to gain back your strength.
or at least get back your heart,
even if it's black and blue and in pieces.
i really hope one day you'll find
whatever it is you want, and just know
that you'll always be my true love
you'll be able to feel the sun shine one day,
if you could let it.
but i can't stay to help, i've gone west
i've tried my best, but it just isn't me you need.
-marilyn metzger
long island, 2011
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